Posted by: iluvclouds | June 14, 2007

My Dilemma

I don’t know who needs the prayers more. Me or my daughter. I’ll give you a brief history (but it is still long). Daughter turned 20 in April. Found out we were not moving to Colorado Springs late April. Daughter starts talking to a guy from work (23 years old) on a Tuesday. We do meet him that Wednesday when his mom dropped him off at church (he has no car or license). Herein lies the problem. We live in Long Beach, he lives in Santa Ana without a car. Did let daughter meet him and another couple for dinner and a movie on a Friday night. Saturday she drives out to see him for the strawberry festival. We are trying to get them to slow down just talk and group date, without her picking him up and taking him home). They talk about an hour a day on the phone (yet she really doesn’t know much about him when we question her). She wanted to bring him home after work one day but could not get ahold of her dad. She ended up taking him home and got into an accident (noone hurt but it was classified as her fault-this was on her new car we co-signed with her in April in anticipating moving to Colorado). She has since been caught lying to us, trying to go and see him. While we are trying not to forbid it, we just want her not to get herself in a situation she can’t control. She invited him to church on Sunday and he didn’t come, she then wanted him to come over (to which we said “No”-a mistake I guess since she tried to get out of the house to go see him). She called yesterday and wanted to go meet him at some beach in Huntington Beach at 6PM or so (she doesn’t know that area, so we suggested to wait until Saturday). We had many conversations yesterday (with us trying to explain what responsible behavior would look like). Mon to Fri she gets up to go to work at 4AM, gets home at 2PM and goes to bed at 8PM. The big difference this week is he started a new job in construction so she no longer sees him at work. Finally came to an agreement that we were OK if he came to see her at our house-he got home after 6PM and could not get a ride. She then tells me she is going to leave for work early to do some Bible study (yes, bells were going off). Got woken up at 12:45 by a car alarm. She came out-her bedroom is in the back of the house and if she was sleeping it shouldn’t have woken her up. Go back to bed and closed my eyes, the next thing I know she is leaving. I stop her and ask her where she is going, her reply “to work to do Bible study”. I ask her if she is going to meet Roger (at this time her cell phone buzzes and I ask her to turn it off) and she admits to it. Take her to the back room and try to talk and reason with her why this is not a good idea. At one point I ask for Roger’s phone number- she walks off (saying she needs paper-but paper is right there-she then starts getting her things and walking out). We go outside and I get her to sit with me again. She wasn’t going to be talked out of going and I knew if she stayed she would just go to her room call Roger and cry to him about how unfair we are. So I let her go, but she left knowing she was breaking my heart. I’m just at the end of my rope. We know she can’t get her own place as half of her monthly pay now goes to car payments and insurance. We feel this relationship is more on her part (first time ever dating). Do we just continue to be her housing and let her come and go as she please even though we don’t really approve (letting her have free range without consequences or responsibilities)? Do we kick her out (she’d probably end up staying with him)? I know I was a rather wild teenager and rather promiscuous and I know my parents bit their tongues when I married the guy I had been dating my last year of high school(I know this saved our relationship). She has told me they are not having sex (but she has lied so I don’t know whether to believe her or not)-she is on birth control to regulate her periods because she says they were getting really painful-(but then again not sure that was the real reason for the pill, but thankful now). I don’t want to ruin our relationship, but yet don’t want her walking all over us and taking advantage of the free room and board. She is a good girl and I believe she is just in love with being in love (although she said she doesn’t know if she loves the guy), but it is leading to obsession and lying and is clouding her judgement and decision making. We disapproved of her going to the beach last night because of her not knowing the area, the amount of rest she would lose, the fact that she starts a new class tomorrow after work and will not get home till 7 or 8. I did not expect this (who does), but I guess that is what parenthood is all about.



  1. Look, as a young girl in my ‘mid’ 20’s, I would just like to say; if you trust your daughter, you should not have a problem with this. My mum had the exact same opinion as you when I was 19/20 and I rebelled, stopped going to church, started lying and being deceitful and turned to drugs, thankfully, I got myself back on the straight and narrow, but my mum now regrets her actions for not letting me meet my ‘bf’ at the time, she knows that if she had just ‘loosened the reins’ a little, I would not have rebelled. Thankfully, I got myself back on track, attended college and am now a teacher. Good luck.

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