Posted by: iluvclouds | May 31, 2007

Softened Heart

I had my heart on moving to Colorado this summer to be close to my parents. To give you some background, I was born and raised in the same town (with the same parents and siblings) for 18 years. At 18 I married and moved away from home. That marriage did not last long. I met and married my second husband while I was in the Air Force. I became pregnant at the same time my husband got orders to Australia. So for 13 more years we moved where they told us to move. When my husband retired I thought this was a good time because we would finally get to make the choice of where to live. Well he was offered a job in the same office, and he took it. So we did move, but only about 15 miles. When the landlord kept raising the rent we thought this was a good time to buy a home, so reluctantly we did, we bought a fixer-upper (I am the fixer). That kept me busy for the next couple of years, but with the kids getting older and wanting them to be able to afford a house of their own one day I thought it was the perfect time to move to Colo. Plus his company has an office out there. So last year my husband started talking to his boss about the transfer. I took a 5 week vacation to Colo. (wanted to make sure I still really wanted to go) and it did cement my desire to be there. I was so set on moving that I even told my husband that if the company didn’t transfer him that he would quit and find a job when we got there (he did not think I was serious, but I was). In the beginning of this year I was planning on when to put the house on the market, my wise husband did not want to put it up for slae until we had word that the transfer was going to happen (I thought it was a sure thing as they did a telephone interview and later called to say they would love him on the team and were trying to see how they could make it happen.) During this time I was asked to help facilitate a Bible study on Elizabeth George’s book “A Woman after God’s own Heart”. And after 20 years of marriage (only the last 9 being a saved Christian) I was finally understanding what it meant to submit to my husband and truely be a Godly wife (although I am far from perfect, I at least know how God desires me to be and I am working on it). So by April I was getting really tired of being in limbe-not knowing when (I was still pretty sure we were moving) we would be moving and I wanted to have plenty of time for the sale and to get settled before school started next year. So his boss out here put pressure on them to give us an answer by the end of April. About mid April I was beginning to sense that God still had plans for us here with our church, and one day I even told my pastor that if they came back and said “yes, we could move” that I felt I may have to say “no”. Then the next day I thought that there was no possible way I could say “no” to my dream. So my prayer was that if God wanted us here the answer would have to be “no”. On a Friday, the last day to reenroll for our homeschool academy, I made a choice to go ahead and enroll even though we might lose that money. That afternoon my husband gently told me that is was nt in the budget right now. He even asked how much I thought we would need to remodel the kitchen (something I had said we would do if we had to stay in this house). He thought I was serious about the remodel, but I have lived through a kitchen remodel when I was growing up, and ws willing to start right away as he thought I would be so disappointed (I had kept my feelings from him, for fear that he would stop trying to transfer-he has never lived in snow and cold and had reservations although he would do it for me as I have followed him all these years without complaint-well not much at least.) But I believe God had me facilitate that Bible study so he could soften my heart to staying. At the end I actually felt a little like Jonah. I felt maybe he was calling us to stay here and if we had gone to Colo. we might end up coming back here. I even knew that I was following my heart and not hearing His voice. I joke about it now that next time, I won’t tell anyone and ask for their prayers as they will agian pray for us to stay and we will. I know God heard my prayers too, I just wasn’t listening to His answer because it was not the answer I desired. How many times has God answered your prayers when you thought He hadn’t? He is faithful and He does love you, but if you ask that His will be done, it will, whether it is your will or not. I have to live by faith that His will is better than mine and His timing is perfect even if it doesn’t line up with the way I want things to go. So now I am at peace and expecting some wonderful things to happen as I know God will bless our obedience. I still have my dream of moving to Colo., and I have bad days where I am really sad, but I get through them with God’s help.

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